Caffieri's Agony Column

I Think I May have Killed my Neighbor’s Dog

caffieri — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 02:28:36 +0000

Janice, USA
I’ve always been proud of my garden and I became very upset when a large dog started leaving a pile of poop on my lawn. It was there every morning and so I knew someone must be letting it out late at night and my lawn had become it’s favorite spot. There’s nothing more annoying than being compelled to clean up after someone else’s animal. I was so angry that I went out and bought a couple of pounds of ground beef, laced it with laxative and around 10 o’clock at night I put it on a rock on the side of my lawn.
The next morning the regular pile of poop was there but the meat had gone. I was hoping the dog would develop the runs and go all over it’s owners carpets. The following day there was no poop nor any morning after that. It worries me now that I might have overdone the laxative and the dog died. My vengeful act is now weighing heavy on my conscience. I guess we shouldn’t act so impulsively.

Answer:

It’s possible that the dog did shit all over it’s owners home and they shot it! Joking aside it is unfortunate that we are tempted to punish animals when it’s their owners that are at fault. Perhaps next time you should try to find out who the owners are and take them a nice juicy bowl of chili made with your own secret recipe.

The Milkman Stole my Undies

caffieri — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:14:54 +0000

From: Ashley, Somewhere

About six months ago I had my underwear stolen off my clothesline. It happened twice over a period of a few weeks. I didn’t want to waste the time of the police tracking down my bra and panties and so I didn’t report it. Then a few days ago I read that the man who delivers my milk had been charged with stealing underwear from several houses in the neighborhood and I’m wondering now whether I should tell the police about my loss. I don’t want my undies back if he’s been wearing them but he should be punished for what he’s being doing and my evidence might increase that punishment.

ADVICE:
I think you should let it go. This poor guy’s going to be ridiculed by his friends; if he’s married he’ll be in trouble with his wife; he’ll probably lose his job; get fined and possibly have a criminal record. If I was the judge I think I simply make him give a fashion parade wearing all his ill gotten gains and post it on Youtube.

He’s Moved back into the House

caffieri — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 06:16:39 +0000

Ellen, UK
My husband of 15 years has always been weak and ineffectual, for that reason I never wanted to have children because I thought it would be too much responsibility for him. Six months ago I could stand my life no longer and I kicked him out of the house. Everything was fine for a few days, I was happier than I had been in a long time and then he came back. His mates at work at told him I had no right to kick him out as the house was half his.
Now he lives here like a lodger, he comes and goes when he pleases and ignores everything I say. He’s started going out with other women and a neighbor tells me that he’s even brought them to the house while I’m at work. I can’t understand how he’s changed. I hate to ask my mother over any more because he’s rude to her all the time, he’s just making my life miserable.
Advice: It seems as though you and your husband are both a bit stubborn and this might be the reason that you both split up in the first place. As you are both living under the same roof it seems like a great opportunity to take stock of your differences and see if you can reach a compromise. Just as an experiment why don’t start to be really nice to him, cook some of his meals, and engage him in pleasant conversation. There’s a good chance he will respond in kind and if he does take a shower, slip into something sexy and fuck his brains out. Maybe you’ve both changed as a result of your conflict and you might be able to continue your marriage and make it a far more exciting experience that you ever imagined.

My Ex-wife is Fucking Up my Love Life

caffieri — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:53:36 +0000

Ian, Canada

My ex-wife is a real bitch. Every time I have a woman staying at my place she’ll turn up with the kids saying there’s some problem or other. Once inside she starts an argument and she’ll turn on who ever is staying with me and get really nasty. Over the last year three promising relationships have been nipped in the bud by her antics.
Advice: You are fortunate to live in Canada where the winters are long and severe. First get yourself one of those peep holes so you know whose ringing the bell and the next time she tries her little trick you should let the kids in the house but keep her outside and discuss your business there. If it’s winter hopefully it will freeze her balls off – sounds as though she’s got some sizable ones.

Our Maid is Sexually Harassing Me!

caffieri — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:48:34 +0000

From: Kwan, USA

I’m a software developer working from home and my wife works full time in a bank. A few months ago we decided to make life a bit easier and we hired a maid to help around the house. She’s quite a nice looking girl from Russia and I must admit I was attracted to her. Trying to test out her attitude towards sex I told her a dirty joke one day. She stuck her nose up in the air, turned her back on me and threatened to tell my wife. In other words she acted like a goody-two-shoes. However, a few weeks later I was lying on the sofa having a rest when she came up beside me, I reached out and gently took her arm. I might have pulled her toward me, I’m not sure but the next thing I know she’s on top of me and we are having sex. And I don’t mind telling you it was the best experience I’d ever had.

Now things have got out of hand. As soon as my wife leaves for work she’s after me, she won’t leave me alone. Of course I also have to satisfy my wife’s needs or she would get suspicious and to be quite honest I’m worn out. My work is now beginning to suffer and in spite of the fact I’m having some great sex I want it to come to an end. That would mean getting rid of the maid and I’m afraid to suggest that to my wife as if we did let her go she might blab about our escapades and I’d really be in trouble.

Mason’s Reply:

There are millions of American men who would like to be in your Y Fronts but I do see your point. You are either facing death by ejaculation or you have to get rid of this young woman. I suggest you look depressed for a few days and lower your sexual performance to a C- and then break down and tell her that you have lost one of your biggest contracts and, even though it breaks your heart, you have to let her go.
Give her a generous severance and scoot her out the door as fast as you can. Later you can explain to your wife that she got mad and walked out after you told her off for messing up your desk. If this doesn’t work you could try the Foreign Legion.